I Thought This Would be Easier: The Challenge of Giving up Diets
For many of us, we have jumped from diet to diet for most of our adult lives. Each time, we do this same dance of excitement and motivation, followed by cravings and “cheating. Eventually, for 95-98% of us, it eventually ends with us feeling like a failure. This is due to inevitably gaining that weight back. This cycle is exhausting and can really start to wear down our self-image. With such a huge failure rate, it’s crazy that we still blame ourselves and our “lack of discipline” for those diets failing. Instead, we should be blaming the diet itself.
With the diet cycle so often resulting in failure, weight gain, and beating ourselves up, you would think giving that up would be easy peasy. In fact, I see clients who think exactly that. That giving up this lifestyle that has made us miserable logically should not keep pulling us back in. I wish, for everybody’s sake, that it was that easy.
So why then is giving up diet culture and intentional weight loss so hard?? And what can I do about diet culture?
First and foremost, giving up diets is giving up a lifestyle...it’s living outside of cultural norms. Outside of a system of oppression. But the reality is, we can’t really live outside of that system. Even when we are actively living an anti-diet lifestyle, we are still existing in a society that continues to remind us that we should be. Every time we turn on a morning talk show while they discuss the latest diet fad for the umpteenth time. Or, we walk through the grocery store and are bombarded with low fat, low cal, sugar-free, whatever, whatever. Honestly, we can’t help but exist in a culture obsessed with diets. It’s important to fight against diet culture, but it’s challenging with mainstream media. So it is no wonder that turning your back on diets is so hard….you are surrounded by them. It’s hard to forget something that you can’t get away from.
Education About Bodies, Body Acceptance, and What Body Positivity Matters!
A huge part of combating this part of the struggle is education. Read Anti-Diet or the Fuck-It Diet. Familiarize yourself with Health at Every Size principles. And expose yourself to all sorts of body types on social media. The more you know about it, the more obvious it becomes when diet culture rears its ugly head. It creates awareness and it isn’t until we are aware of the problem, can we truly address it.
Giving up diets also involves giving up the story we’ve told ourselves for years about how life will be different when we lose that weight. Our culture equates being thin with being healthy, with being beautiful, and with being lovable. So giving up the quest for thinness can also feel like giving up on all of the other things as well. We may start to think we’ve given up on ourselves and our hopes for our future. But that’s just it...it’s not giving up on yourself, it’s giving up on a thing that made us feel terrible about ourselves. Logically, that makes sense, but when we’re in the thick of it, that’s hard to remember.
How Has Your Narrative Been Impacted by Diet Culture?
Think about what stories you have surrounding weight gain and weight loss. What stories do you have about thinness? How about being fat? Where did they come from? Knowing these stories helps us consider what it is we need to move forward without them. If I think that gaining weight means that I’m lazy, maybe I should take a second look at why being seen as lazy is so problematic for me. It doesn’t help me to just tell me that this is a false equivalency, I won’t believe it and may even feel a bit invalidated. However, if I can identify that that need to not be seen as lazy is rooted in needing to be accepted by my dad for being hard-working and high achieving, now suddenly this isn’t about fitness or weight gain anymore. Instead, beginning to work through my issues with the word lazy, and I’m a step closer to working through some of my own internalized fatphobia.
So many of us have held off on doing things, on living our life, until we lose that hypothetical 10 pounds. Think about it...I would bet that at some point, you’ve thought to yourself “I’ll do X when I lose this weight.” So what does it mean then, when you give up the idea of losing weight. A lot of people can start to beat themselves up for wasting time waiting around. Others question if giving up that weight loss goal is really the right choice for them. Both of these reactions contribute to difficulties in ditching diets.
What Would Happen to Your Mindset, if You Developed Body Acceptance?
Our mindset matters when it comes to how we see ourselves. It’s time to show yourself some compassion. Yes, you may have put some things off, but you aren’t alone in that. And it doesn’t mean you can’t start to do those things right now. What’s one thing you’ve told yourself you can’t do until you lose weight. Maybe that’s taking family photos. Or maybe it’s getting on dating apps. What would happen if you went for it now, with your body perfectly as it is at this moment? That arbitrary goal you’ve set for yourself is somewhere off in the future....don’t you deserve to enjoy your life right now?
But how do I deal with the loneliness of choosing anti-diet culture?
One thing I hear often from clients as difficult in keeping on this path is how lonely it can be. We talked about how we’re living in a bit of a counter-culture by giving up diets, but existing outside of cultural norms can feel very isolating. So many of those same clients talk about wishing there were other people in their lives that just got it or were on this same journey...people to lean on when things get hard. Instead of being able to talk to somebody about learning to accept our bodies, most people are more comfortable joining us in hating it. A few years back, Amy Schumer did a sketch where each of the women criticized parts of their body and everybody responded by saying that their criticism is wrong. Then one woman didn’t join in...she didn’t criticize her body and suddenly she was on the outside looking in. Hate your body alongside us or risk not being a part of the group. We often bond over a common enemy (think of all of the people at your work that you’ve bonded with while complaining about a bad boss or a toxic environment). Unfortunately, for many women our bodies have become the common enemy, leaving those that don’t see it that way as outsiders.
What Can You Do to Fight Against Diet Culture and Find Body Acceptance?
One easy thing you can do is to talk to your friends and support system about the changes you are making to your relationships with food and your body. Set boundaries around what kind of conversations you don’t want to be a part of. Maybe even expose them to HAES and Anti-Diet views. You may not change their mind, but maybe they can understand where you are coming from a little easier. Another thing to do is to look for groups in your area or on social media for others taking this same journey. Facebook specifically can be a great resource to connect with others who just “get it.” These can be great places to reach out for support, offer support, or just sit back and learn. And when in situations where conversations around the latest diet and body hate are unavoidable (ahem, office lunch/break rooms), practice changing the subject. I bet we can bond over a common enemy from the Bachelor just as well as we can bond over our bodies being the enemy.
One Last Note on Fighting Against Anti Diet Culture and Developing Body Positivity
And finally, one thing that is bound to happen during this process is that your body is going to change. For some that are weight gain, others weight loss...but either way, it changes. And change can be hard to sit with. Maybe we notice it when we go to try on last season’s pants and they don’t fit the same way or maybe it’s when the doctor hands you a visit summary that includes your weight and BMI (gee, thanks), but at some point, we’re going to come face to face with the fact that giving up diets has changed our body. At that moment, it may be super tempting to jump back on the diet train. It’s coming to grips with the fact that body neutrality isn’t just for the body that I’ve gotten comfortable with, but it’s also being neutral and finding body acceptance for our body, no matter what that looks like.
You're not going to like your body every day. But that doesn’t mean that your body is not worthy of your respect. And respecting our bodies means taking care of them and nourishing them. That isn’t happening when you are jumping back into dieting...restricting yourself is only harming your body. You may not have neutral language for your body, you may not be able to get to acceptance quite yet, but even when those moments where we are suddenly facing to face with the fact that our body is different than it used to be, you know you can still respect it as it is.
Get Support and Start Fighting Against Diet Culture with a HAES Therapist in St. Louis, MO
Taking the first step to asking for help is brave and bold. I am honored to be the therapist you are reaching out to. I know this journey is not straightforward and simple, but you’re here and I am glad to help. At Embodied Therapy in Missouri, you will work with a HAES therapist and/or dietitian is a great start. Together we will defeat the thoughts and behaviors that hold you back so you can be your authentic self. I recommend doing your own research and talking to your doctor. Potentially, you could even benefit from joining groups with like-minded people to support you on this journey. If you are interested in learning more about Health at Every Size and how it can benefit you, follow these steps:
Contact Embodied Self Counseling to learn about the services I provide.
Meet with me, Erin, for a 20-minute consultation.
Start the body acceptance journey.
Other Mental Health Services Offered by Erin Grumley
You're probably here because you have food, body, or exercise "things." I get it and I can help. I offer a variety of services in my St. Louis based counseling clinic and online. I provide HAES-informed eating disorder treatment for a variety of disorders. This includes Binge Eating Disorder, Anorexia, and Bulimia. In addition, I provide counseling for body image typical anorexia, and perfectionism treatment. I offer online eating disorder treatment for men as well. Additionally, I frequently provide treatment for anxiety and compulsive exercise. I am also experienced in working with athletes in St. Louis, MO. All of my services are available through online therapy in Missouri and online therapy in Wisconsin in response to the COVID-19 pandemic.