4 tips to break away from the perfectionism hold
Hi, my name is Erin and I am a recovering perfectionist.
And even as I say that, the perfectionist inside of me is going crazy. “Why are you just recovering? Shouldn’t you be recovered by now? You’ve been working on this for ages! Something is clearly wrong with you if you haven’t figured this out by now!” And so on and so on…
There are days when that critical voice can get really mean. And yes, even after years of working on it, there are days when that critical voice can get the best of me. And these past few weeks, it seems like it’s been even harder to ignore. As I reflect back on this last week, it seems like I am not the only one that is finding it just a bit harder to fight off their inner-perfectionist recently. Client after client expressed the same thing.
So why have these past few weeks been so bad for the perfectionist?
We’ve just come off a pretty intense holiday season.
No matter what you celebrate, chances are you were celebrating with (or at least interacting with) family. Family and holidays can bring out the judgeiest parts of our inner self. It could be that we’re hearing those same judgment-laced remarks from our loved ones. Or, because we have internal pressures to be seen a certain way by them. We are suddenly thrust into a situation where, if we are not careful, the perfectionist inside of us can take back control. No matter how much work we’ve done to push them out.
2. We’re reflecting back on this past year.
Sure, for many that can be a good practice. They are able to see how far they have come and where they still want to grow. But for the perfectionist, that practice can turn into a lot of “should haves” and “should be.” I should have stuck with my plan to X. I should be further along with Y by now. When we are reflecting back at 2020, the perfectionist lens doesn’t let you see everything that you did do. Or, to acknowledge the obstacles that you did overcome. It doesn’t make space for the fact that you are living in the midst of a freaking pandemic and only reminds you that you fell short of your goal.
3. We feel pressure to make new year’s resolutions.
This brings me to the last reason these past few weeks have been a minefield for the perfectionist. Setting goals for 2021. Those “shoulds” that are so much of a part of the perfectionist language can really influence how we are setting goals. And, what goals we are setting. Four of the top five new years resolutions each year are related to diet culture in some way. Maybe that makes you feel pressured to have your own “health and wellness” related goals. Maybe you are pulled to make those kinds of goals, but know your therapist would disagree so you don’t. And god forbid our inner perfectionist allows us to do something that would upset someone that we want approval from! Either way, the goals are being set because it is what you “should” do and not what you want to do. The perfectionist inside of you can also use those goals to help control the narrative around the things we maybe don’t like about ourselves. These are the goals we have for ourselves that we maybe don’t tell anybody. Or at least don’t tell anybody the full extent of why it’s a goal.
This is a lot of fuel for the perfectionism fire.
The perfectionist gremlin thrives on the idea that our “messy” is too much for people. That we aren’t good enough just the way we are. That we need to be something else. Or, present a certain way to ensure that people will like us, respect us, or whatever it is we are needing. So whether that is dealing with family, reflecting on our past year, or looking forward to the new one, we’re bound to find some messy parts.
Shame, the best friend of perfectionism, makes us feel that those messy parts somehow are a reflection of our character. That we are less than for having them. We hide them, keep them secret, and only let others see the part that feels safe. Perfectionism and shame work hand in hand. They want to keep our messy hidden and help us feel in control of how we are perceived. Together, they make sure vulnerability is not invited to play. Sure, we feel in control. But it’s not real. It's what we want people to assume is real. So, I started off by telling you that I am a recovering perfectionist. This is something that I’ve been working on within myself for a while now. I wanted to share a few tips and tidbits that have helped me along the way.
Perfectionism Tip #1: Pay attention to when the perfectionism gremlin starts popping up for you.
From there, you could name the shame. For example, I have ADHD and have spent most of my life struggling to be organized and being late. Perfectionism pops in by being the craziest organized person you’ve met (at least to the outside eye). I have a different notebook for everything. I have a color-coded paper planner and Google calendar. My google drive is full of very specific folders for every possible thing that may ever go in there. And I have a separate planner altogether just for daily to-do lists, goals, and everything else. I am constantly 30 mins early places (unless it’s to meet my friend Macy...I hope she takes my lateness as a compliment...it just means I feel safe enough around her to not present as perfect) because I don’t want people to think less of me for being late. There is no middle ground. This is perfectionism coming out hard and strong. It’s “protecting me” from feeling the shame I have for being disorganized.
Perfectionism Tip #2: Shine a light on the shame.
All of those things I just described doing don’t make me a more organized person. Truthfully, I miss deadlines, I forget to email people back, and all of those folders in my google drive are empty with the files all hanging out unsorted below them. All of these things I do only make me appear more organized to the person, not inside my head. So, instead of leaning into the “I hope you see how organized I am,” I try to be honest with both myself and the people around me about my shortcomings. I am upfront about maybe taking a few days to email you that thing I said I would. I own up and am apologetic when I do screw up. By not letting my shame hide in the shadows of my big stack of notebooks and planners, I am making it less shameful. By writing it here for you, who may or may not already know me, is making the shameless strong. When the shame loses its hold on me, perfectionism doesn’t need to protect me from feeling it.
Perfectionism Tip #3: Sit with the uncomfortable.
I am not perfect. Far from it. And I’m going to mess up which could mean shame is going to come back hard. Welp, I’m not going to lie...shame is NOT FUN to sit with. She is a mean and nasty voice inside my head that convinces me that something is wrong with me. But rather than buying in or falling into my perfectionist traps to avoid the feeling, I need to embrace her. I need to own my mistake and verbalize that. After some time, you start to notice that shame is started to shift into something new: guilt. Granted, guilt isn’t super fun. But, guilt is the lesser of the two evils. Guilt is a lot kinder. A lot easier to spend time with. Even if it is still a bit uncomfortable, that uncomfortable feeling doesn’t last nearly as long. (I should probably have introduced that with differentiation between guilt and shame. The shame is “I am bad.” Which, can be a perceived judgment on our character. Guilt is “I did something bad.” Doing something bad, but knowing I am not bad because of it also means I can do something about it. And, learn from my mistakes.)
Perfectionism Tip #4: Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
One time of going through this process doesn’t make you a recovered perfectionist. We may take a few steps forward and a few steps back. We’re going to let our messy show. Then, we’re going to dive right back into needing to control how you see me. But each time we show ourselves that we don’t NEED to be perfect to be liked or respected, we chip away at the hold that perfectionism has on us. And, gradually, perfectionism comes out less and less. This is a process...a long process. And just like any recovery, it’s not a straight line. But despite perfectionism’s black and white thinking convincing you that you messed up and should give up, consider spending some time in the grey. Recovery is not all or nothing….it’s being okay being somewhere in the middle, even if that middle is an uncomfortable place to find yourself.
Living in the grey is something that has become easier for me over time.
Knowing that I can be both organized and also screw up...that’s the grey. Whatever your shame is named, however, your perfectionism presents itself, it is worth finding your grey. If you are having a hard time doing that alone, don’t be afraid to reach out for help...find a therapist that can help you find your middle ground.
Begin Perfectionism Treatment in Missouri with me!
And I can be that therapist! I’ve been helping people just like you in my St. Louis based counseling practice and through online therapy in Missouri. I’ve done this song and dance for quite some time, so I’m familiar with navigating the perfectionism treatment waters. I also offer many other services for eating disorder treatment and body image. When you’re ready to begin perfectionism treatment with me, follow these steps:
Contact Embodied Self Counseling
Meet with me, Erin, for a 20-minute consultation
Mute your inner critic once and for all!
Other Therapy Services at Embodied Self Counseling
Counseling for perfectionism is one of the many services provided at Embodied Self Counseling’s St. Louis office. I offer online therapy in Missouri and online therapy in Wisconsin to accommodate your busy schedule. If you have "stuff with food" that others don't get, you could be a good fit for my eating disorder treatment. Additionally, I provide a unique approach to working with atypical anorexia and perfectionism. I offer eating disorder treatment for men too. Additionally, I offer Counseling for Compulsive Exercise, I am skilled with working with athletes and providing Counseling for Athletes. Plus, I provide Eating Disorder Treatment for Men. If you’re ready to get support, call now and begin therapy!