How to (REALLY) Support Your Loved One When They are Fighting Depression

I don’t know about you, but I am sick of the influx of articles telling me how to best support your spouse/family member/significant other when they are deep into a fight with depression or anxiety. These lists talk about being patient with them, trying to understand what they are going through, not being mad at them when they don’t want to go to an event, or taking the time to educate yourself about their experience. These all sound great, right? Practicing empathy and understanding is always a good route when engaging with others, and especially those we love.

But I can tell you from first-hand experience that these articles are missing the most important part. No matter how much empathy you have for the other person, taking the time to make sure you are being respectful of your own needs and practicing self-care is going to be important for both of you. When you are drained, frustrated, and feel alone, it’s hard to be there for somebody else. Empathy for them is one thing; showing empathy for yourself and what YOU are going through is a game-changer.

When I was in my graduate program for counseling, I was living with a boyfriend who was struggling with both anxiety and depression. I was actively learning about and practicing empathy in my program, at my internship, and doing my best to exude that at home as well. I was validating, understanding, and I did not fight his desire to stay at home most nights. I fixed dinner and did laundry in between writing papers because his urges to stay in bed were stronger than he was at the time. I found therapists and suggested books. I brought home dinner from our favorite burger place because the thought of going to it and fighting any crowds was overwhelming for him. But at the end of the day, he was still depressed and anxious and I was growing resentful.

I read every article I could find about supporting loved ones with depression. Everyone I read reaffirmed everything I was doing. Then I would read articles about husbands who did these grand gestures for their wives suffering from depression that made the wives remember how loved they were. As I would read about these saintly people, I would remember that I was holding back tears as I walked into the house to see that laundry wasn’t done…again. I would remember that I was breathing and forcing smiles as I told friends we wouldn’t be joining because “I was just so swamped and stressed with school work.” I was even reminded that I was even lying to my own therapist, telling her how amazing and supportive he was when I was so stressed out with work and school. I was full of shame for not being able to make him feel better and for feeling so angry at him for feeling the way he did.

But that was my biggest mistake. It was not my job to make him feel better and I was not a failure as a girlfriend or as a budding therapist because I couldn’t make him feel better. I was so busy practicing empathy with everybody around me that I forgot to show empathy to myself. I forgot to validate my own feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness and instead saw these things as shameful and examples of how I was not enough.

Now, with some distance between that time in my life and now, I can look back and see that I lost myself in trying to be something that I was never going to be able to be for somebody who was not capable of giving back to me in the same way. I forgot what it was that I needed in the relationship.

So instead of those lists that completely disregarded that I was a full person with wants and needs in a relationship as well, here is a list of what I learned about how to REALLY best support a loved one fighting mental illness because until you can be supportive and empathetic to yourself, you aren’t going to be able to sustain being supportive to them too:

  1. Educate yourself about mood disorders and how they affect everybody in their path. May I suggest Depression Fallout or How You Can Survive When They are Depressed? I already understood how depression affected him, but these books really helped me gain perspective of how his depression had a ripple effect on those of us closest to him as well.

  2. Be Curious. Yes, be curious as to what they are feeling or thinking and notice when you see changes in these things. What was happening when you noticed their mood lift? How can the two of you recreate that mood lift? But also be curious as to your own feelings. Feeling down or short with others? Be curious about what is really bothering you or where you may be struggling. Starting to feel resentful or anger towards your loved one? Be curious about what you could be doing for yourself that you aren’t. Be curious about what makes you happy and notice if there are any barriers to you doing more of that.

  3. Learn to Cope. It is natural to have negative thoughts or feelings about your loved one, especially when it feels like they aren’t the person they were before the depression or anxiety took hold. It’s important for you to find a way to cope with your feelings without putting them on your partner. Talk to a friend, find a therapist, start working out, or get outside. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you are being honest with yourself about what is happening and how you are feeling. It doesn’t do anybody any good for you to stuff those feelings down and pretend like you aren’t having them.

  4. Remind yourself that you are incredibly strong. You are keeping up with your life and supporting somebody else in the process. You deserve a little extra love and a high five. The weight of it all can be heavy at times and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by it. But regardless how your loved one is feeling, YOU cannot control their emotions. You can only control yourself and your reactions to it. And you are going to get through this.

  5. Smile, because laughter helps and heals. Find things that you enjoy doing and do them! Enjoy going to see live music but your loved one can’t get out of the house? Find a friend or go by yourself! Enjoy watching funny movies with your loved one? Pick out a few on Netflix for you to enjoy together! Remind yourself what makes you smile both with and without your loved one and do more of it!

  6. Remind yourself you won’t always feel this way. Emotions are temporary and depression can be treated. What is happening right now won’t be forever.

If you or a loved one need support, begin therapy in St. Louis, MO!

Whether you or a loved one are struggling with depression, I am here to help. This is a safe space. I won’t tell you generic tips for overcoming, it’s time to acknowledge the reality of your mental health. At Embodied Therapy in Missouri, you will work with a skilled therapist who will help you understand what you’re dealing with. Together we will defeat the thoughts and behaviors that hold you back so you can be your authentic self. When you’re ready for support, follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Embodied Self Counseling to learn about the services I provide.

  2. Meet with me, Erin, for a 20-minute consultation.

  3. Start finding hope again!

Other Therapy Services at Embodied Self Counseling

Depression is one of the many services provided at Embodied Self Counseling’s St. Louis office. I offer online therapy in Missouri and online therapy in Wisconsin to accommodate your busy schedule. If you have "stuff with food" that others don't get, you could be a good fit for my eating disorder treatment. Additionally, I provide a unique approach to working with atypical anorexia and perfectionism. I offer eating disorder treatment for men too. I am also adept at working with athletes if you’re dealing with anxiety and uncertainty from the sport you’re in. If you’re ready to get support, call now and begin therapy!

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