The Power of DEARMAN
Setting boundaries is hard for people-pleasers like me. I have a hard time expressing my needs, asking for help, and saying no. But let’s be honest, it isn’t just people-pleasers that struggle with this. Most people do!
While living in CA, I co-led a DBT group for 2+ years. We preached the gospel of the DBT skills as a way to help wrangle out of control emotions and I genuinely believed in them….for everybody else. I, on the other hand, did not need to wrangle my emotions...they were already well wrangled. So much so that I sometimes struggled to express emotions. These skills just didn’t make sense to me, or so I had convinced myself.
That’s the thing though, isn’t it? Our brains are incredible. We can convince ourselves that things are okay and that we don’t need the very thing we are investing time in sharing with everybody else.
It was then that I hit a very tough patch in my life. Everything was falling apart, and all of a sudden I had emotions that I wasn’t used to having taking over my brain. I knew how to cope, in theory, but actually practicing the skills was another story. I had spent so much time talking about DBT and planning the group, that it seemed natural to translate those skills into action and it really made a difference.
While I believe that so many of the skills in DBT are effective, for me, the one that had the greatest impact at that moment was DEARMAN, an interpersonal effectiveness skill used to help set boundaries and ask to get your needs met. As I was floundering to get my feet underneath me again, I realized how bad I was at doing both of these on my own and how imperative it was going to be in order for me to recover. So rather than lashing out or shutting down, I started scripting out conversations I wanted to have, just like I had suggested to clients so many times. My Google Keep app was filling up with little conversation scripts and what I realized as I started sharing these thoughts, I felt stronger like I had a voice, and that I could in fact set boundaries and get my needs met. And if the other person could not or would not respect my needs and boundaries, now I knew that this was their decision and not because of my unrealistic expectations for them to mind-read those needs for me.
Because it felt so good for me to use, I want to share it here. The first half (DEAR) is what you say, and the second half (MAN) are tools to use as you say it. Enjoy!
D - Describe. Be objective here, no emotions, just state the facts.
When we moved in together, we agreed to take turns doing the laundry. Over the last several months, I’ve noticed that I am the only one doing it.
E - Express. Here is where you get to say how that makes you feel. Be vulnerable here.
I feel really unsupported and unappreciated when this happens and then I start feeling resentment build up.
A - Assert. What do you want to change? What would make the situation better?
I would like to get back to our original agreement of taking turns doing the laundry.
R - Reinforce. What is going to make this person want to change? How will it help your relationship?
If we can share that responsibility again, I will feel like you respect my time again and I feel I will be less irritated and short with you.
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M - Mindfully. We all know that when we are having these conversations, other things are going to come out. Mindfully means to be present with one thing, so when those other things come up, validate the issue and table it for later.
You: Okay, yeah, I may not have been doing the laundry, but you always leave such a mess in the kitchen after you cook and I am the one stuck cleaning it up.
Me: I hear you and yes that is definitely something we need to talk about as well. Let’s try and figure out the laundry thing first and then come back to the kitchen.
A - Assertive. Make eye contact and don’t apologize for asking to get your needs met. You have a right to do so just like they have a right to make a decision to change the behavior or not.
N - Negotiate. Sometimes the other person may come back and explain why that won’t work for them and ask for concessions. That’s normal and should be expected. Be ready to know how much you are willing to give to get so you don’t walk away from the conversation asking for help with laundry and all of a sudden now you are doing the laundry weekly, fixing dinner, and washing the dishes afterward. Talk about resentment!
Well, there you go! I hope DEARMAN can be as helpful for you as it was for me. Any thoughts on what you want to have your first DEARMAN conversation about?